Dumb History of Telephone

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone to liberate people from communicating through Morse code on telegraphs. Ironically, life has come full circle as contemporary folks prefer texting through emojis rather than engaging in phone calls, rendering Bell's life's work seemingly meaningless. He should have asked one of us before going ahead and inventing the telephone. He knows I'm just a phone call away. He has no excuse.

I always knew the telephone was all hype. Sooner or later, the bubble had to burst. I knew all along that somebody was going to invent the iPhone, and it's going to be over for Landlines.

For those unfamiliar with telephones, they are similar to mobile phones but they are not at all mobile. They cannot piggyback on humans, shadow them everywhere and drain the life out of them like vampires (or smartphones). 

To use telephones, you have to go to them; Anchored and adamant, they won't move for you. They are electrical hippopotamuses. No wonder humans broke up with them and were enchanted by the luminous lure of handheld devices; the latter are far more convenient and lazy-friendly.

Alexander Graham Bell made his first telephone call in his Boston laboratory, summoning his assistant, Thomas A. Watson, from the next room when a simple shout could have sufficed. Thus, Bell inadvertently laid the foundation stone for modern laziness. He said, "Mr. Watson, come here; I want to see you." This is about extending your car warranty.

“Teletrofono,” say it after me

However, Bell was not the first ever to make a telephone call. Italian born Antonio Meucci built a “Teletrofono” in 1871 to communicate with his wife from the neighboring workshop. 

Some people assume that his invention didn't gain popularity because he gave it a phony name like "Teletrofono." However, that is not true. That is just a rumor spread by Graham Bell and me. Watson had nothing to do with it. 

The real reason his invention did not gain traction was God. Meucci was compelled to play the role of Will Smith from "The Pursuit of Happyness," even though he wanted to be a scientist. In his life, however, there was only pursuit—no happiness. His wife was paralyzed, facing financial hardships while providing shelter to political refugees, He endured a steamboat accident, lacked even $10 to file the patent, and just when he was making progress with Supreme Court proceedings against Bell, fate retired him from earth. Be it bad hand writing or bad writing, I expect better from the writer of fate. Divine deeds demand a more dazzling display.

Bell, as fate would have it, shared the same laboratory with Meucci. He filed a patent for the telephone two years after Meucci’s invention but just a couple of hours before Elisha Gray, who also invented the telephone. Bell’s name was branded in bold into history books with immortal ink. 

Yeah, it does feel like everyone was inventing the telephone left, right, and center. Now, let's pause a minute and a half to clear Elisha Gray from our recollections. He came second. That falls too far from fantastic.

“Ahoy!”

The most significant contribution to the telephone came from Thomas Edison. He invented and popularized the use of “Hello” to replace “Ahoy!” Imagine people strolling around, tipping their bowler hats, and saying “Ahoy!” to their mobile phones. There is no way one can say “Ahoy!” without tipping the hat; everybody knows that. And one cannot tip their hats without looking ridiculous; everybody knows that. And Edison knew it better than everyone else.

The invention of the telephone marked a crucial milestone for humans. What wonders are whispers when withheld from a multitude?  In english, it translates to “humans are terrible at keeping secrets”. Telephones created the space to share secrets in secure sanctuaries. Here’s what you’ll do – pick up the telephone, dial your dear friend’s digits, and just let it all out! Feel better? Don’t thank me. Thank Mr. Bell.

More significantly, it helped us humans gain glorious ground over our feathered foes that were attempting to steal our jobs. You’d be mistaken if you were under the impression that the First World War was a solely about humans fighting other humans. It went much beyond that; It was a battle for ownership of long-distance communications. How dare they take our jobs just because they are more qualified than us? Go back to your sky!

“He wished Private Ferry were a pigeon”

“If humans don't trust other humans, that would be the end of us. Let me carry this letter, our men in Dunkirk need to be warned" the young soldier urged his commander during the heat of the First World War. 

The commander stopped him in his tracks, "If we don't win this battle, that will be the end of us. Do not take it to heart, Private. Pigeons are better couriers than you". The Private took it to heart privately anyway. 

He forgot that even though we humans invented talking, we have proved time and again that we are useless at carrying secrets for long distance and long time. Unbelievable. I can’t believe that he did not read this article. I explicitly wrote that humans suck at keeping secrets three paragraphs ago. Maybe four, I don’t know. But, can you believe this guy?

Anyway, he arrives in Dunkirk three days later with the envelope. The Captain inquires, "Private, you were supposed to arrive yesterday. We thought you wouldn’t make it. Do you have my message?"

"Yes, yes," the private reached into his pocket and then stared blankly at the Captain as he felt a wet ball in his hands.

"The letter got wet while I was crossing the river," he handed the wet envelope, water still dripping.

Suddenly, they heard a whistle and a thud. They grabbed their helmets tightly to their heads. Another soldier rushed inside, "Captain! We are under attack!"

"I can see that," the captain rushed out in irritation. He wished Private Ferry were a pigeon.

Pigeons proved more reliable than any human carrier. They could evade gunfire, remain silent under enemy interrogation, seldom complain about weather, and outpace humans with a top speed of 60 miles per hour.

However, as humans laid more telephone lines, many of the pigeons were decommissioned from the army rendering them jobless. It was a major win for the humans. The unemployment rate among pigeons spiked sharply but the pigeons never complained. Humans, on the other hand, in the realm of ringing, were now armed with wherewithal to complain about anything and everything. Dial 1800-COMPLAIN toll free.

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