Dumb History of Cars

The first car to be invented by Karl Benz was a horseless carriage. It was fine. It worked. It meant that horses regained their freedom after they lost it a few hundred years ago.

Mass layoffs ensued. No severance package, nothing. Men would take them to isolated roads and say “Go, you are free now!”.

Some clingy horses would come back to their owners and say “Please take me back. I really love you” * cries in unemployment *

However, majority of them were happy to move out. They celebrated their new found freedom. Some horses took up fancy sports like racing and polo while many others moved out of cities to retire in the countryside. But majority of them learned about Darwin’s natural selection theory the hard way and perished.

Humans found that horses are now just as useless to them as dogs and therefore gravitated all their efforts towards dogs as they easily fit into their shrinking homes. But that was until ladies got independence from gentlemen and they chose cats over dogs. That is a story for different time. To summarize, to survive in this world, you either have to be functional or cute. Or else, good luck! 

Now, back to cars. The Model T by Ford became the first mass-produced car even though it did not have bare basic features like cup holders, touch screen, and windshield wipers. You’ll have three pedals and none of them will accelerate the car. You will have to use the lever on the steering wheel for that. This lever is more of a suggestion than a command. Once you pull it, Model T would ponder the possibility of moving forward. I bet they are not even that good at polluting the air. It was slow, cumbersome and an exercise to us in patience.

They used to fondly call it “Tin Lizzie”. I would call it “Tepid Turtle”. You could have it any color that you want, as long as the color is black. If you ever plan to go for a drive at night, you need to get out of the car, light up the two lamps on the front with a matchstick. I’d rather light a lamp in my home and read a book.

“They don’t make ’em like they used to.” Thank goodness for that!

The mass adoption of cars was truly life-changing. They came with a warning sticker that they could cause obesity and road rage. So we humans were well prepared for that. But what came as a surprise was that it became deeply instrumental in the invention of commute. Today, people can buy a house one hour away from the workplace in a suburb and live two hours in their car every day thanks to invention of the car.

In the days of yore, folks would mosey along, waving at neighbors and exchanging pleasantries with passersby. Enter the car, and with it the soul-sucking, mind-numbing phenomenon of commute. Drivers indulge in the rhythmic brake-and-accelerate dance with synchronous tapping of brake lights and exhaust fumes as if they are performing a traffic-themed circus. And then there’s rush hour, a misnomer if there ever was one. There is absolutely no rush in this slow motion spectacle and it definitely lasts more than an hour. Now, don’t get me started on the parking situation.

Without cars, what would we have done with all that gasoline? You don’t have to answer that. Back in the days, people were getting restless that the by-product of kerosene was becoming wasted. We need to find an efficient way to manufacture pollution out of this!

Enter car: humans finally realized that they could now convert petrol into toxic gas and store it safely in the atmosphere. It was there all along silly, and we were worrying where to keep all the dinosaur oil.

It is no secret that cars had resulted in Climate change. And as the planet is getting hotter, people are eating more Ice Cream. And it is scientifically proven by me that people who eat Ice cream are substantially happier. Now that they are happy, they are not doing anything about Climate Change.

Some say the answer to Climate Change is different type of cars. Others say, no cars at all. Who wants to steer this conversation? 

Honk your horns in the comments section below.