Dumb History of Colonialism

They say never judge a book by its cover. Always judge it by its reviews on Goodreads. So to understand Colonialism, lets look at some reviews that countries gave to Britain during their stay there:

“Disastrous Stay: Overstaying, Damage and Theft”

🇮🇳 India : 0/5 stars

Hosting them was an absolute nightmare, we are never having them again. First, they have no respect for boundaries. They rearranged all our furniture and they told us they are doing us a favor. The sense of entitlement is unbelievable.

They used up our groceries in the pantry for their cooking. Forget paying up, not even a thank you. Empty plates and wet towels everywhere. They left behind a mess that we’re still cleaning up till date. They said they’ll fix the sink and destroyed the entire kitchen. We did not even ask them to fix anything. They said they were pro but my three year toddler would have done a better job. Some artwork and decorative pieces from the living room are definitely missing.

To add insult to injury, Britain managed to stir up fights between me and my neighbor. We don’t know what they told him, but he’s not talking to us anymore. Thanks a lot, Britain. But no thank you! Zero stars, would not recommend to my worst enemy.

“Terrible service. The freelance fixer-upper took away our freedom and happiness”

🇪🇬 Egypt: 0/5 Stars

If we could give negative review, we would. we allow them to do renovation of our country and it was the worst mistake of our lives. Our country was fine, but they fooled us with their ads.

From the moment they set foot on our soil, Britain’s incompetence was glaringly evident. Their website claimed that they are best in the world, but all they did was wreak havoc on our home. But they couldn’t build a sandcastle without knocking over the bucket. They were useless.

The costs kept going up, we could not trust their accounts one bit. They were supposed to finish the work in three weeks, but they took a whole year. And they talk so much and so much non-sense. 

We kept some candies for our kids in the refrigerator and they ate them all. And they left empty wrappers inside.

They left us with broken dreams, shattered hopes and whole lot of regret.

“Columbus Day”

During ‘Age of Discovery’, Europeans set their sails and traveled far from their home in delulu-land and discovered that they do not have humanity inside them. Columbus landed in Bahamas and thought he discovered India. Nope, it was Bahamas. He tried again, this time he thought he discovered Japan. Nope! It was Cuba. He tried four times and never set foot in India or USA.

Eventually, they figured out their way and employed two types of colonialism. 

If the weather is chill like America or Australia, they wiped out the locals and took over - Settler Colonies. If the weather’s on the toastier side, like in Asia or Africa, they would hassle the indigenous people to work for them and loot all their stuff - Extractive Colonies. They were really good at both- murder and theft.

They say the sun would never set on British empire because they controlled a quarter of the world. At any time of the day, a Britisher could be spot harassing a local or stealing a resource. Hence the phrase, ‘Day Light Robbery’. They robbed the world and kept the evidence in a museum. Even the police need to buy a ticket to check out the evidence. 

“Whitesplaining”

They were really something. They went to India, which made up 25% of the global economy and said, “ya’ll doing it all wrong!”. This was “Whitesplaining”, similar to mansplaining but the explaining is done to both men and women. It’s equal opportunity annoyance. 

The Colonial Enterprises were built on core principles like Hard Work and Loyalty. The people in colonies did all the hard work and were forced to show loyalty. They exploited every kind of resource they could lay hands on: spices, silk and tea. But they were at their best when exploiting humans. They were truly great at it. That’s the reason Britain is called Great Britain, by themselves. 

“Illegal Immigration”

But we need to give credit where it is due. The Europeans invented illegal migration, we have to give it to them. Today, illegal immigration gets a bad rap. It’s done by people who do it because they do not have any other choice. But back then, Europeans did it just for the sake of it. They were rich, and they still did it. They did not even have to do it, but they still did it. It’s called passion, look it up.

They were really passionate about stealing. But, unfortunately, their passion stopped there. They stole all those spices, but their food is still bland. They stole all those diamonds and yet could not build one beautiful piece of jewelry. Their best pieces of jewelry are still the ones they stole from their colonies. They stole all that cotton but their clothes all the same. I don’t know how they tell apart from who’s is who. I am sure they were wearing someone else’s underwear half the time.  Those clothes were so bad, some Indians decided to throw them into a pile and burn them. The aversion to fast fashion was real. They were stealing all the wrong things. They should have stolen come creativity and intelligence. Then they wouldn’t be hiring brains from their colonies fifty years later. These are just rookie mistakes by wise old countries. 

Ok, that was out of line. But I’m not taking it back. The Colonizers were not rookies. They were just terrible at being humans. So much so that when British asked Indians to fight Hitler during World War, it made them ask themselves who was worse, Hitler or Britain. It was obviously a trick question. Even with 13% literacy rate, everyone knew that the answer is “both of the above”. The British were heartless people from the bottom of their heart. 

Ok let’s end it here. Their ancestors could take our lands but their descendants cannot take a joke.

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