Dumb History of Dinosaurs

 The first dinosaurs were just tiny lizards that evolved from a group of reptiles called archosaurs. When a mass extinction wiped out all their competition, these bottom dwellers began to show their true face; Their true face was quite huge and heavy, a bit scary-looking. But it went well with the rest of their outfit, so who am I to complain? With squirrelly eyes, lizardy nose, and hair like an elephant, these avocado-skinned creatures look at you like you’re a treat. They’re difficult to miss. God saved Adam and Eve for later because they were afraid of lizards.

So with humans not in the picture, they had all of Pangea to themselves. Not for long though. Pangea began cracking up during the early Jurassic Period because dinosaurs were so heavy. Either that or because Earth could not hold its shit together. Either way, because dinosaurs suffered from separation issues, many learned to fly the minute continents began drifting. It was quite the heartwarming story: they grew feathers and everything. The rest of the strong-willed dinosaurs preferred to walk around instead as the walking scores of most neighborhoods back then were pretty solid, particularly if you’re a dinosaur. Sure, crime and assault were a problem but they were desensitized to it by then: they played Call of Duty when they were children. 

I felt God made them unnecessarily tall. He got a bit carried away. And Spielberg made them even taller. He got carried even further away. It wouldn’t be wrong to classify all of them as over-tall. But no matter how tall they grew, they always kept a part of their childhood close to them: their tiny dinosaur hands.

Despite their tiny hands, they were the world’s first superheroes- their superpower was superpower. And brilliant actors too: they crushed it in Jurassic Park - both literally and figuratively. Critics say Spielberg’s Dramatized Dinosaurs were a bit over the top. There’s no way a T-Rex could sprint so fast; They are too heavy for it. At best, they could power walk. And walking, they did. A whole lot of it. They roamed all of the land, including Antarctica because they did not have to worry about shoes getting wet. They lingered about for 56 million years during the Jurassic Period and 20 million more years during the Cretaceous Period. With all that walking around, I thought they were searching for meaning of life. Turns out, they were just searching for food.

Besides, the Cretaceous Period was a particularly beautiful time to stroll around. This is the time when the first flowers bloomed. Dinosaurs, from all walks of life, walked around, smelling fresh flowers, and singing songs about the joy of life with their terrible voices. I looked up some of their fossil bones and found the reason for their happiness: they did not believe in the concept of marriage or work. They were all friends with benefits. Yet, they aren’t very good in bed, the best of them sleep for 8 hours and the worst of them sleep for 3 hours. I don’t like to flex but I could sleep 12 hours easy. Perhaps more if I stop watching reels in bed.

Spoiler Territory

If you haven’t seen God’s plan, then I must warn you about the major spoilers ahead. I suggest that you have a revelation first and then continue reading. Now that’s out of the way, let’s continue. Dinosaurs became extinct when God hit them with a stone because they were screaming too loudly. He killed two birds and all the dinosaurs with one stone. Every make and model of Dinosaur that ever came out: gone. You don’t mess with God, not with that voice. Anyway, this giant stone that God threw at them landed on the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico. He was aiming at the USA, the premier destination for the apocalypse but it’s so difficult to hit the target. The bloody thing just wouldn’t stop spinning.

Coming back, this one stone sent a ripple across the planet. For days, months, years, wildfires raged, tsunamis swept, dust and debris filled the air. The sky turned black and the earth turned into ice. Following decades, without sun, plants died first. Vegan dinosaurs were next to go, followed by the great predators.

That’s it. They never came back, not even as ghosts. Turns out, the meteor strike was the perfect storm before the calm. Might be a hot take but I think a live dinosaur would be scarier than a ghost dinosaur. It would be a wee bit amusing to watch a large dinosaur float under the ceiling of my living room. I’d sell my TV and watch it float all day. 

Life did come full circle for dinosaurs. One mass extinction made them dominant species and another wiped them off the face of the earth. Even I did not realize that Earth had a face. But now that I think of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if it had a mouth that was laughing at us. 

With dinosaurs going OOO, Earth turned to humans on one Seattle morning, sang “Do you want to build a snowman?” Humans said yes before it finished the rest of the song. 

While they may be gone, their fossil fuel investments are still here, some of them at least. I wonder, now that we used up more than half of the dinosaur oil, what will we tell them if they come back? I bet Revenge of the Dinosaurs is written in the stars. You just can’t see it because of all the pollution. I’m sure they’ll rise again from the ashes and reclaim their oil. Wars were fought for much less, and regularly for oil. Then we’d be screwed-probably to our Teslas.