Dumb History of Ghosts

Ghosts do not write their history. They only scribble non-sense on innocent walls. So, we have to do it for them. Unfortunately. 

It is unclear who invented the process of recycling dead people into ghosts but, even after over 6000 years, these carbon-neutral creatures stand to be one of most eco-friendly inventions by humans till date. Ghosts leave behind zero carbon footprint given their independence from oxygen, non-consumption of food and complete lack of fashion. They can get around without having to burn any fossil fuels. They continue to receive five star rating in energy efficiency. This is truly other-worldly stuff.

Scientists believe that 100 percent of humans die after they finish living. And if we assume all of them turn into ghosts since nobody gets left behind in the eyes of God, that would be over 110 billion potential ghosts are haunting this planet. With this staggering ghost-to-human population ratio of 13:1, you’d have to be doing something seriously wrong—or perhaps not paying attention at all—if you haven’t encountered a ghost by now. 

In our recorded history, Sumerians of Mesopotamia were the first people to be scared of ghosts. They took their burials seriously because if proper protocols were not followed, the dead would come back to let you know the same. 

The Egyptians were the most scared of them all. They took better care of the dead than of the living. They wrapped them tightly in cozy cloths and left them anything they could dream of inside their grand pyramids: clothes, jewelry, furniture, everything. All of this hoping they wouldn’t come back to haunt them. You must be familiar with them from the movie- The Mummy. It is a movie where some British men wake up a ghost from their Egyptian colony and then play victims. It’s a brilliant movie to watch if you are still ten or eleven.

Before me, one of the first people to write about Ghosts was an ancient Roman writer, Pliny. He writes about a ghost-hunting real estate agent who flips haunted houses. This real estate agent lives in haunted house to tell people, “relax, there are no ghosts here”. One fateful night, as he was scribbling notes, the unmistakable sound of rattling chains interrupted his work. As the ghostly creature whispered something, he says, “Wait up”. Adopting an air of arrogance, “I’m in the middle of something”, he retorted. In a horrifying turn of events, the Ghost paused, awaited his attention. When he’s done, the ghost initiated a hide-and-seek game. The agent followed the ghost as she vanished into the earth. Next day, he unburied the ghost’s skeleton from the location and re-buried it. But this time with rituals. Pretty amateur gameplay from the ghost. If there was one game she’d be good at, it would definitely be hide-and-seek. 

But generally, ancient and medieval ghosts were not very popular to pop up to say “boo”. They were often didactic, sometimes overly pedantic, famous for giving up valuable secrets. Most of the time, all that these courteous creatures wanted was a respectful burial. They weren’t even that upset that they were dead. And just because they were dead, they hadn’t give up on life. They weren’t the pale, ugly creatures that we see today, who smelled like dead rats. They often dressed up better than the living.

In the later middle ages, ghosts took a dramatic turn. They became these tormented souls that would wake up from their graves not to seek human help, but to torment their neighbors with violence and havoc.

During renaissance, however, philosophers condemned any poltergeist behavior, concluding that people only saw ghosts because of their own fears and anxieties. They were the original gaslighters, dismissing paranormal activity as mere figments of imagination. They are just jealous that ghosts could do things science cannot. Ghosts can cast shadows at night without light, explain that, science!

*science weeps in silence*

Thought so.

Perhaps, the most famous ghost in the modern history is of Abraham Lincoln. At the White House, everyone from first ladies to prime ministers have reported seeing the ghost of the Honest Abe.

“I’ve been living in this house for the past 155 years, but I haven’t noticed anything strange”, Abraham Lincoln said last week, when questioned about spectral activity in the white house. He’s been dead so long, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Mark Twain is another famous ghost rumored to roam the streets of New York and asking passerby, “Have you read my Book?”

These days, we’ve definitely taken the ghosts for granted. We’ve gone from building grand pyramids to basic cremations, sharply downgrading afterlife accommodations. Despite the infrequent photobombing, people are more interested in pursuing the paranormal than fearing it. Historic houses and prisons have been turned into museums. Capitalism capitalized on our fear, cashed in by turning it into a fun experience. Special tours are arranged and, folks are visibly disappointed when they don’t get to encounter a ghost.

Today, people are more fearful of ghosting than real ghosts. And Open AI’s artificial ghost scared more people than any real ghost ever did. I’m not surprised, because this artificial ghost doesn’t fool around by pulling bedsheets and flickering lights. It means business. Real Ghosts, if you are here, if you can hear me, get your act together.

If you ask me, ghosts should stick to history. They have no business coming to the present. There is barely enough room for the living, where will they stay? Sure, they mostly crawl on ceilings, a part of the house I never really use, but that’s no invitation to move in rent-free.

Moving on, the future doesn’t exactly look very bright for ghosts and humans, as the line between the both is thinning, thanks to the impending zombie apocalypse. Zombies are the dead people who joyfully threw away their return ticket to earth before unfortunately misplacing their ticket to heaven. Now, they’re stuck in a limbo on a place called earth. Contrary to viral rumors that zombies are being created in a lab, they are actually created in Haiti folklore. They’re the resurrected dead, cursed to work in farms forever. Yes, that is correct- they are not very different from us.

“Male ghosts are the largest untapped reservoir of chills in the world” - Hillary Clinton, maybe

It may not be a statistical coincidence that most of ghosts in horror movies are women and almost all of these ghosts are portrayed as villains. 

It is not just the horrible movies, folklore across the world is filled with vengeful women spirits. Indonesia’s Kuntilanak, Irish’s Banshee, the Mexican’s La Llorona, the Slavic’s Rusalka, and the Japanese’s Kuchisake-onna; Don’t let their names fool you, all of them are women. To an extent, I understand. Men repress women their entire lives, so they come back as ghosts to haunt them. But let’s not forget, men are equally famous for repressing other men. 

Ghosts can be deadly 

Personally, I do not believe in ghosts, but just in case they exist, I respect them. I am quite agnostic in these matters. Agnostics are people who cannot decide which way to go. You can find them on hiking trails, in front of signboards, wondering which way to scratch their head. Russia or Ukraine, they’d pick neither. Israel or Palestine, neither. 

For this particular article though, being an agnostic isn’t a terrible thing. It is still better than picking the wrong side. Ghosts can be pretty deadly creatures; can’t afford any risks with them.

Anyway, keeping opinions aside, here is another opinion nobody asked for. In today’s hot real estate market, haunted houses represent some of the best value for loan money. Ghosts tend to snag up prime suburban mansions and turning them into haunted houses that nobody dares to buy. I hope they make some time to haunt a few one-bedroom apartments in downtown. The only thing haunting one-bedroom dwellers in Seattle is the inescapable view of Space Needle. No wonder, those rents are so damn high.

As for me, I can’t even afford a ghost in Seattle. My best shot is to book an airbnb in the woods and hope that it’s haunted.

Hold on a second, someone just turned on the light in my kitchen. Wait, that’s not possible- I’m the only one in the house. Something feels eerie, let me go check it out. In the meantime, why don’t you subscribe to this blog and read some other articles?

*writer leaves his writing*