Dumb History of Potatoes

Everybody hates potatoes. “No matter how you prepare it, the root is tasteless and starchy. It cannot be regarded as an enjoyable food”, Diderot’s Encyclopédie had this to say about potatoes. They don’t make encyclopedias like this anymore.

When the Spanish travelers first brought potatoes from Peru to Europe, Europeans used them as ornaments. They used Potato plants as decorative house plants. They would do everything but eat the damn thing. 

When British Explorer, Walter Rayleigh brought Potatoes to England for the first time, Queen Elizabeth invited her nobles to try them over lunch. The cook threw away the brown lumpy things and cooked the leaves. They all fell sick and the Queen banned consumption of potatoes. It’s not as if anyone was savoring these neglected delicacies. The tasteless treats tempted no English tongues. But she banned them anyway because she could.

Some religious authorities unsurprisingly declared them ‘The Devil’s apple’. If they are not mentioned in the bible, they aren’t to be eaten.

Do not listen to them. They say never forget our roots and yet they waged a concerted effort to berate potatoes. We all know the truth. Potato is the greatest vegetable to have lived on earth. Oh you didn’t know? Now you know. Without Potato, there is no Industrial Revolution, there is no World War. Without Potato, there is no Gnocchi. And yet they became the first victim of cancel culture.

Sure, they are fat. They are brown. They are dirty. They are ugly. They are uninteresting. But they are uninterested.  As a rule of thumb, do not judge a book by its cover, but with potatoes, can confidently do so. Potatoes are ugly on the cover and ugly on the inside as well. No pretense here.

Despite enduring centuries of disrespect, potatoes are quite shameless. All these Zen masters want in life is to lie around and watch TV. They are the real couch potatoes. No wonder they don’t hang out with the rest of their vegetable friends in the refrigerator.

Potatoes have proteins, vitamins, carbohydrates, and minerals. What more do we need? Want a side of cholesterol? Fry them in oil. Want to get that blood pressure to rise?  Sprinkle some salt. 

Humans finally managed to make humans love potatoes in 1789 by creating french fries, albeit by unhealthily preparing them. Finally, potatoes look like they have been to the gym, even though they haven’t.

This hero’s journey from ‘Everybody hates potatoes’ to ‘Everybody needs fries’ was not straightforward. It took a good few hundred years. But it all began with the great potato king. 

Frederick the Great achieved the first successful rebrand in history by transforming the potato from a “dirty, tasteless lump” into a “treasured, royal vegetable.” Initially, when Frederick asked his subjects nicely to eat potatoes, they refused. 

“They could be poisonous, look at them!” They looked at them. 

They didn’t trust the damned vegetable one bit. Employing reverse psychology, Frederick discreetly cultivated potatoes under the surveillance of his soldiers, sparking curiosity about the seemingly special vegetables. 

What is worth guarding is worth stealing. This notion prompted people to wonder, "What was so special about these vegetables?" Suddenly, everyone wanted a taste of this elusive vegetable. People began pilfering potatoes from the King. They enjoyed them so much that they started cultivating them themselves.

Wonderful and wonder-filled, potatoes have trekked a long way from the shadows of their turbulent history. They give us chips. They give us fries and vodka. Other vegetables really need to get their act together. Onion, I am looking at you! I don't know what you do other than making me cry for no reason. People, don’t look at me like that. You know I’m right. If you are deserted in a desert, would you rather have an onion or a potato? 

I always had difficulty trusting onions. Let me funny it to you. See, an Onion is an onion in an onion. No matter how deeply you peel it, you’ll only find another onion inside it. And when you go all the way in, you find nothing. Nothing! Onion really is a soulless vegetable. No joke. Fried or not, potato is your friend, friend. Sure, it takes 241 days to boil a potato, but it always shows up. If good things are worth the wait, it’s fair to acknowledge that ugly things deserve time too. 

No matter how ugly a potato might be, it knows deep down that there is an uglier potato somewhere in some vegetable stall in India. Because that’s where all the ugly potatoes live. It's true. It’s a fact that I created yesterday. 

Thank you for making it this far! I’m off creating more fun facts.